Hiccups
by TheSlayerInTheTardis
Summary: Xander's annoyed, Buffy's in hysterics andWillow's confused: why? Spike has hiccups! Three drabbles set shortly after 'Doomed' season three. Plese read and review. Contains strong-ish language.


**...XANDER...**

Spike had had enough! "Hic!" It was driving him insane! More insane then Dru! And that was saying something. He sighed and rested his head in his hands. "Hic!" His body lurched.

"Do you have to keep doing that?" Xander snapped, looking over his shoulder. He'd been sitting at the other end of the room facing the TV.

"I can't-hic-help it." Spike hated this place, he hated the Slayer, he hated this stupid chip they'd put in his head and he hated Xander.

"Then could you just hold your breath or something, it's driving me mad." Had he been himself, Spike wouldn't have even bitten him. Killed him, sure; but drank... that, no way.

"I don't breathe." Spike hissed. "Hic!"

"Course you don't." Xander rolled his eyes, exasperated.

"Don't get-hic-bloody huffy with me!"

"Stop hiccupping then!" Xander threw his arms in the air.

"Oi! Hic! I don't like it either!" Spike glared at him. Xander didn't look one bit frightened; he looked infuriated. This made Spike angrier.

"It's your own fault! You drank your blood to quickly." He pulled a face as though Spike had swallowed a puppy whole. "Euch."

"I drink your _blood_ to quickly if you don't-hic-shut up." He tried to look threatening. Xander snorted.

"Like you could, chippy." Xander un-muted his programme and turned back to the telly.

"Oi!" Spike stood, slamming the the chair across the ground; demanding his attention. The leg snapped of and clattered and rolled away. "You think I want to be her with you, you great poof!?"

"Like I want you here!"

"Oh!" He snorted in mock humour. "You think I like listening to -hic- you and Anya shagging while I sit three bleeding feet away!"

"You think I like you watching?" Xander raised his eyebrow.

"Please, you ponce. Don't flatter yoursel-hic!-self. I mean... that honey of yours; maybe but _you_? Hic!"

"Ohmigod! You have no idea how annoying that is! Hic! Hic! Hic!"

"Hey! Hic!"

"Huhh,"

"What is your prob-hic!-lem now, Harris?"

"I'm sorry, wasn't it obvious? You!"

"Tosser! I don't need this! I'm leaving!" It was almost dark, he could avoid direct sunlight till then. He swept a bundle of cloth in his arms; Xander's bed sheets in fact and headed towards the door.

"Buffy said..." Xander started half-heartedly. He then realised he didn't want Spike there in the first place and was glad to see the back of him.

"Piss off!" With that, Spike left, ripping the door from the hinges. He just couldn't take it.

* * *

**...BUFFY...**

"Oh wonderful!" Buffy whined, catching sight of the vampire. He turned to face her and scowled. He was in no mood for _her_. Buffy did the same.

"Slay-hic!-er."

"You're supposed to be at Xander's I told him-"

"Hic!" He interrupted and Buffy froze. Confusion seemed to overwhelm her and then she smiled devilishly.

"Wait..." Her brows were about mid way between her eyes and hairline and her mouth was gaping. "Did you just... Hiccup? Did you _seriously_ just hiccup?"

"Shut. Hic! Up." Spike growled.

"Oh..." Buffy laughed; she was practically hysteric. "Haha! Not going to happen. How is that even possible?" Spike shrugged, glowering at the slayer.

"Oh I don't care, this is too good." Buffy was grinning widely, knowing she had control of the situation.

"Hic! Leave me alone!" He spat.

"Okay, okay, okay... I swear I'd stake you right now if this wasn't hilarious!" She teased, brushing her wooden stake across his chest.

"Piss off," He said pushing her back. "ARGHH-" He roared as the excruciating burn pierced through his brain, sharper than a white hot poker. "ARGHH-Hic!"

Buffy, after catching herself on a conveniently located gravestone, only laughed harder. "This is too funny."

"Hic!"

"Seriously, stop it."

"I-hic! bloody can't!"

"There's no way in hell," She paused to gasp for air. "Anyone could take you seriously," Buffy laughed. "I mean they don't anyway, ha! But now...!"

"Hic!"

"Listen to you! You're like pathetic! This is hilarious,"

"Yeah; and you're al-hic! All high and mightily."

"Well," She cried, her laughter finally beginning to die down. "As much as I'd like to stay here and mock; "I have an elsewhere to be. You know, people to see, vampires to stake..."

"Wh-hic! Whatever, Slayer. Hic!" He said, attempting to sound nonchalant, or at least stern.

"Goodbye, Spike," She sighed, turning away. She galloped easily through the graveyard, and Spike was left with nothing but the sound of his own hiccups in the darkness. He turned his mind to getting rid.

* * *

**...WILLOW...**

Spike burst through her doors; deranged and desperate. A startled Willow flung herself across the bed in the corner of her half of the room.

"You have to help me!" He demanded, diving towards her.

"Huh?" She started, edging backwards, trembling and shaking. Poor Willow had been sat, perfectly content and entertained by the essay she was writing, when all of a sudden, he'd appeared at her bedside. "You... you can't hurt me! The.. the chip! You have a chip!" She exclaimed hopefully, less frightened now than she had been before. Spike scoffed.

"Hic!" Willow gawked at him, looking baffled. Spike decided to explain, save her getting even more worked up. He sighed. She'd worked herself into a right tizzy. "Don't get your knickers in a twist. Hic! I have hiccups!"

A small smile graced Willow's innocent lips.

"Oh..." She laughed nervously, sliding back to her original position on the bed. She flicked her fingers in the direction of the door and a gentle gust of wind blew it shut. "Wait, how can I help?" She asked softly, guilty for laughing.

"I don't know!" Spike bellowed, his harsh tone made her flinch. "Do a spell or read a book or something. I don't care! Just - hic! - do something!" She sat, considering for a moment.

...Hiccups...

She thought.

Willow grinned and Spikes mood lifted as she formed a plan.

"I could give you a fright..." She exclaimed hapily.

Spike let out and exaggerated groan, throwing his head backwards. He raised a brow.

"Or a spell," She suggested, feeling embarrassed. Spike shooed her with a dissmissive gesture of his hand. Willow nodded sharply and bounced like a spring lamb off of her bed and towards her bookcase filled with spell binders and assorted magic books.

She crouched and began to skim the titles looking for something relevant. She wasn't sure she even had something. _Maybe a healing spell would do._

But on a vampire?

Willow decided to make small talk. "How did you even get hiccups. I always thought it was to do with the airway." She supposed out loud, rather than asked.

"I don't care!" Spike roared, deciding to answer anyway. "I just want them gone, alright? I wish everybody would stop shagging asking that!"

"Okeydokey." Willow said light-heartedly, trying to remain calm. Spike could hear her heart beating ten to the dozen of. It was music to his ears. Willow sensed this. She pulled a book titled 'Healing the Undead" from her cabinet and began shuffling through pages, cross legged on the ground. Spike stood over her, sighing.

"You know," She began happily. "The world record is for like thirty years. Your immortal so if you hang on for a little bit then..." She looked up at the vampire and his murderous expression and trailed off. "Never mind... I'll just keep looking."


End file.
